Men.

So, the last guy that I was talking about. He drove down, I got in the car, and the he looks at me and says

"I haven't been completely honest with you."

I froze. My heart stopped. And I was just like "Okay, what is it?"

"I'm actually married."

We then decided that neither of us could go through with this (which I already knew I couldn't be with a married man, but he seemed to not realize he couldn't cheat until he saw me).

The whole issue of cheating just saddens me.

So then I had a date last night. He was 32, but he looked older. He was nice enough. I sucked on his balls because I just couldn't give a decent blow job. He ejaculated and got semen in my hair. He thought it was funny, but I didn't because I'd have to wash my hair as soon as I got home. I had already taken a shower right before we met up.

He brought up something that I wasn't thinking about. Okay, well, I'm very sensitive. When ever a guy tries to touch my clitoris it's always kind of uncomfortable. I don't know if it's just because I'm used to my fingers or what exactly, but it never feels good when a guy does it. And also, I'm pretty sure my vagina is just tight since I've only had sex twice, but sex just hurts for the most part. Well, anyway, he suggested that I go to the gyno and make sure everything is okay. I really do think that everything is okay, because I know that women are all different and some are just more sensitive than others. But I hadn't ever thought of going and just making sure it's all good down there.

I emailed Tom and asked him what was up and if we could at least be friends, and he apologized and said that he's just been really busy and he definitely wasn't trying to ditch out on me because he's interested in hanging out and stuff. And it made me so happy.

I was going to meet up with a guy tonight, but he's decided that he doesn't want to because he wants his "next blowjob to be from his wife." Which is fine, I understand, and I think it's good for him. I don't want him to do anything that he isn't really wanting to do or that he will just regret later.

My job started. I don't remember if I already said that. But I am so happy because I will finally get a little money on Thursday. Two days. I am so broke. I have a little over $2 to last until then. I'm pretty sure that I'll be okay, but it definitely makes me feel better to have a little bit of money. My paycheck will only actually cover one day of work, but it's better than no money at all.

I am so happy to have a job.

I think I'm going to start the pill soon. I'll probably go to planned parenthood and get it. I always use condoms, but it would make me feel better to have the pill as a back up.

Anyway, here's my latest favorite song.

Boys.

So these past couple of weeks have been driving me crazy. But in a really, really good way. I've gotten a job, met some guys, got laid haha. So it's been pretty awesome.

First of all, before I start, I will say that I have been meeting the guys online. I know that it sounds really scary, but I am safe about it.

So the first guy I met from online, nothing really happened. We kissed, he played with my boobs for a second, gave me a hickey, and I touched his penis. I didn't go down on him, I wouldn't let him finger me and I did not have sex with him. It's not simply because I wasn't very attracted to him. He acted weird. He wouldn't make eye contact with me when we chatted (which I know doesn't mean anything, but eye contact is really important to me), and he also smelled like my ex (which I know isn't him acting weird, but it turned me off).

Then on Tuesday I put an ad on craigslist to meet guys. That night (or morning) at about 1:30, I drove over to his house and we had sex on his bed. He was such a good kisser, he even tasted good. But he was ridiculously attractive. I am surprised that someone as attractive as him would have sex with me. He was blond and had blue eyes and had a nice body. He also seemed to have a good personality. Oh my gosh he was so freaking handsome.

And then there was a second guy who I was going to go on a date with last night, but it didn't work out. I texted him to say that I would be leaving, and then he said "Can we discreet about this? My wife is out of town." So I didn't go. I wanted to, because I wanted the attention, but I knew that I couldn't compromise my integrity in that way. I know I haven't been making the best choices lately, but I certainly could not make that one.

But it ended up working out. I got a date with this other guy for last night. He was very handsome. And he was so much fun to talk to. And then, as if it couldn't get any better, he was such an amazing kisser. Like, I think he's probably the best kisser I've had haha. He was really nice to me and treated me with respect. I went down on him, and I actually didn't feel too nervous about it. He said that he wanted to hang out again tonight, but he hasn't texted me and it's pretty late. I'll probably email him tomorrow or something, because even if he doesn't want to fool around any more, I still would really like to be friends. I've liked him most so far out of all the guys that I've met. I even like his name haha. But to be safe I'll call him Tom.

And now tonight I'm meeting up with this other guy. We've been emailing and talking a lot, and he seems like a really good guy. I'm not really that attracted to him physically, but he seems to have a really good personality. So I figure I should give him a shot.

I have to say though that I am pretty bummed that Tom didn't text me. I really felt like we got along pretty well, and like we clicked, I guess is the term. And he actually seemed interested in meeting again. It's not a big deal, but I wish that we could have met up. But whatever is supposed to happen will, and everything happens (or doesn't) for a reason.

I'm not going to say that I've been making the best choices, and that this is the best way to meet guys, but I am having a lot of fun.

Long

"It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show."

That is a line from Maroon 5's song "Misery."
I think it pretty much describes my life and story with my emotions.

Okay, well I have to start a long, rambling, boring-ass story.

There was a boy. We will call him Frank. He was my first kiss, my first hand-holding, first serious major the-feeling-is-mutual crush. My first phone sex, oral sex, fingering, french kiss. Whatever. I was very emotionally attached. I liked the attention. There was no real love, just a strong emotional attachment. I've know him for about 6 or 7 years counting up to now, even though we are not speaking to each other anymore.

Frank hurt me, emotionally and mentally. Really, really bad.

I don't process my emotions in a normal way. I don't really process them at all.


I was talking to my friend last night. I told her that earlier that day I was on Facebook, and saw a comment Frank had made on a mutual friend's wall. I, being the stupid person I can sometimes be, clicked on the link to his profile. I looked at
pictures of him and his current girlfriend and cried. Profusely.

I cried because I don't understand why I cannot just move on and lead a normal life and not be all emotionally wounded and crazy.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Well, I was talking to my friend, and she said that it was probably because I didn't deal with my feelings about everything that happened and face them. And until I do face them and confront them, I will probably be upset about a lot of things.

I just don't know how to confront my feelings.

I didn't grow up in a very emotionally friendly household. My dad was/is an alcoholic, a very angry and violent alcoholic who breaks and burns things, and yells at every one around him. My mother was/is unhappy about her lot in life, at least it seems so, and she takes out her anger on those around her. I quickly just started shoving my feelings down inside myself.

I honestly don't remember exactly how Frank made me feel. I think I blocked out most things. I remember being very sad and crying way too much. But when it comes down to the fine details, I just can't remember.

So how do I confront something that I cannot remember?

I don't really know. I don't really expect any answers. I just find things confusing.

I am not the type of person who ever really talks about feelings with anyone, because it makes me feel very stupid and dumb.

She suggested I go to a counselor. I don't know. I will see.

On a side note: I had a talk with her and want to do something more just for my own sanity and just to try to help myself.






I am fat. But that is not who I am.

I've failed college courses.
But that doesn't define me.

I don't know what I'm doing.
But that can change

My father is an alcoholic.
But that does not define me.

I am single.
But that is not who I am.

I am imperfect.
But that is normal.

I am weak.
But that is not who I am.

I am flawed.
But that is not who I am.

I am unhappy. But that is not who I am.

I have made so many mistakes.
But I can learn from them.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. -Confucious