14 September 2010


So, the last guy that I was talking about. He drove down, I got in the car, and the he looks at me and says

"I haven't been completely honest with you."

I froze. My heart stopped. And I was just like "Okay, what is it?"

"I'm actually married."

We then decided that neither of us could go through with this (which I already knew I couldn't be with a married man, but he seemed to not realize he couldn't cheat until he saw me).

The whole issue of cheating just saddens me.

So then I had a date last night. He was 32, but he looked older. He was nice enough. I sucked on his balls because I just couldn't give a decent blow job. He ejaculated and got semen in my hair. He thought it was funny, but I didn't because I'd have to wash my hair as soon as I got home. I had already taken a shower right before we met up.

He brought up something that I wasn't thinking about. Okay, well, I'm very sensitive. When ever a guy tries to touch my clitoris it's always kind of uncomfortable. I don't know if it's just because I'm used to my fingers or what exactly, but it never feels good when a guy does it. And also, I'm pretty sure my vagina is just tight since I've only had sex twice, but sex just hurts for the most part. Well, anyway, he suggested that I go to the gyno and make sure everything is okay. I really do think that everything is okay, because I know that women are all different and some are just more sensitive than others. But I hadn't ever thought of going and just making sure it's all good down there.

I emailed Tom and asked him what was up and if we could at least be friends, and he apologized and said that he's just been really busy and he definitely wasn't trying to ditch out on me because he's interested in hanging out and stuff. And it made me so happy.

I was going to meet up with a guy tonight, but he's decided that he doesn't want to because he wants his "next blowjob to be from his wife." Which is fine, I understand, and I think it's good for him. I don't want him to do anything that he isn't really wanting to do or that he will just regret later.

My job started. I don't remember if I already said that. But I am so happy because I will finally get a little money on Thursday. Two days. I am so broke. I have a little over $2 to last until then. I'm pretty sure that I'll be okay, but it definitely makes me feel better to have a little bit of money. My paycheck will only actually cover one day of work, but it's better than no money at all.

I am so happy to have a job.

I think I'm going to start the pill soon. I'll probably go to planned parenthood and get it. I always use condoms, but it would make me feel better to have the pill as a back up.

Anyway, here's my latest favorite song.

11 September 2010


So these past couple of weeks have been driving me crazy. But in a really, really good way. I've gotten a job, met some guys, got laid haha. So it's been pretty awesome.

First of all, before I start, I will say that I have been meeting the guys online. I know that it sounds really scary, but I am safe about it.

So the first guy I met from online, nothing really happened. We kissed, he played with my boobs for a second, gave me a hickey, and I touched his penis. I didn't go down on him, I wouldn't let him finger me and I did not have sex with him. It's not simply because I wasn't very attracted to him. He acted weird. He wouldn't make eye contact with me when we chatted (which I know doesn't mean anything, but eye contact is really important to me), and he also smelled like my ex (which I know isn't him acting weird, but it turned me off).

Then on Tuesday I put an ad on craigslist to meet guys. That night (or morning) at about 1:30, I drove over to his house and we had sex on his bed. He was such a good kisser, he even tasted good. But he was ridiculously attractive. I am surprised that someone as attractive as him would have sex with me. He was blond and had blue eyes and had a nice body. He also seemed to have a good personality. Oh my gosh he was so freaking handsome.

And then there was a second guy who I was going to go on a date with last night, but it didn't work out. I texted him to say that I would be leaving, and then he said "Can we discreet about this? My wife is out of town." So I didn't go. I wanted to, because I wanted the attention, but I knew that I couldn't compromise my integrity in that way. I know I haven't been making the best choices lately, but I certainly could not make that one.

But it ended up working out. I got a date with this other guy for last night. He was very handsome. And he was so much fun to talk to. And then, as if it couldn't get any better, he was such an amazing kisser. Like, I think he's probably the best kisser I've had haha. He was really nice to me and treated me with respect. I went down on him, and I actually didn't feel too nervous about it. He said that he wanted to hang out again tonight, but he hasn't texted me and it's pretty late. I'll probably email him tomorrow or something, because even if he doesn't want to fool around any more, I still would really like to be friends. I've liked him most so far out of all the guys that I've met. I even like his name haha. But to be safe I'll call him Tom.

And now tonight I'm meeting up with this other guy. We've been emailing and talking a lot, and he seems like a really good guy. I'm not really that attracted to him physically, but he seems to have a really good personality. So I figure I should give him a shot.

I have to say though that I am pretty bummed that Tom didn't text me. I really felt like we got along pretty well, and like we clicked, I guess is the term. And he actually seemed interested in meeting again. It's not a big deal, but I wish that we could have met up. But whatever is supposed to happen will, and everything happens (or doesn't) for a reason.

I'm not going to say that I've been making the best choices, and that this is the best way to meet guys, but I am having a lot of fun.

01 September 2010


"It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show."

That is a line from Maroon 5's song "Misery."
I think it pretty much describes my life and story with my emotions.

Okay, well I have to start a long, rambling, boring-ass story.

There was a boy. We will call him Frank. He was my first kiss, my first hand-holding, first serious major the-feeling-is-mutual crush. My first phone sex, oral sex, fingering, french kiss. Whatever. I was very emotionally attached. I liked the attention. There was no real love, just a strong emotional attachment. I've know him for about 6 or 7 years counting up to now, even though we are not speaking to each other anymore.

Frank hurt me, emotionally and mentally. Really, really bad.
I don't process my emotions in a normal way. I don't really process them at all.

I was talking to my friend last night. I told her that earlier that day I was on Facebook, and saw a comment Frank had made on a mutual friend's wall. I, being the stupid person I can sometimes be, clicked on the link to his profile. I looked at
pictures of him and his current girlfriend and cried. Profusely.

I cried because I don't understand why I cannot just move on and lead a normal life and not be all emotionally wounded and crazy.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Well, I was talking to my friend, and she said that it was probably because I didn't deal with my feelings about everything that happened and face them. And until I do face them and confront them, I will probably be upset about a lot of things.

I just don't know how to confront my feelings.
I didn't grow up in a very emotionally friendly household. My dad was/is an alcoholic, a very angry and violent alcoholic who breaks and burns things, and yells at every one around him. My mother was/is unhappy about her lot in life, at least it seems so, and she takes out her anger on those around her. I quickly just started shoving my feelings down inside myself.

I honestly don't remember exactly how Frank made me feel. I think I blocked out most things. I remember being very sad and crying way too much. But when it comes down to the fine details, I just can't remember.

So how do I confront something that I cannot remember?

I don't really know. I don't really expect any answers. I just find things confusing.

I am not the type of person who ever really talks about feelings with anyone, because it makes me feel very stupid and dumb.

She suggested I go to a counselor. I don't know. I will see.

On a side note: I had a talk with her and want to do something more just for my own sanity and just to try to help myself.

I am fat. But that is not who I am.
I've failed college courses.
But that doesn't define me.
I don't know what I'm doing.
But that
can change
My father is an alcoholic.
But that does not define me.
I am single.
But that is not who I am.
I am imperfect.
But that is
I am weak.
But that is not who I am.
I am flawed.
But that is not who I am.
I am unhappy. But that is not who I am.

I have made so many mistakes.
But I can learn from them.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

28 August 2010


I've heard a quote that says in our lives we either become our own best friends or worst enemies.

I just wonder what decides which one you become.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about how girls, especially, compare themselves to other girls. Often in a really harsh way.

But it really isn't fair to compare yourself to anyone else, because a lot of times you end up comparing all of your own flaws to all of their strengths.

You often can't see someone else's flaws. But you see all of yours and probably know every bad or imperfect thing you've ever done. But you don't get that with anyone else.

And more often than not, we have a hard time seeing our strengths. Even when other people tell us what our strengths are, we don't believe them. I think it stems from not wanting to seem self-absorbed or snooty, or maybe low self-esteem in some instances.

I think that it should be just fine to know our strengths and talents and to feel good about ourselves.

I had a friend once tell me:
" I can say that I'm a good singer, and that's fine. I am a good singer. But if I were to go around and say that I'm a better singer than everyone else, that would be a problem."

And I agree. It's fine to say that you're good at something. But not fine to say that no one else is anywhere near as good as you are at that something.

I just think that people should stop comparing themselves to others, because it really doesn't help us when we do it and end up hurting ourselves.

But I do think that comparing ourselves to others in a constructive way, that makes us a better person, is okay.


-"Oh, Ashley is so nice. It makes me want to be nicer."

-"Maria works so hard to keep the apartment clean. I should be neater and clean up after myself better."

-"Susan volunteers at the food bank every Friday. I should get more involved in helping the community."

See? You can compare yourself to others and it actually help you. That's what I think people should do, rather than just say "Oh, well, they do this and I'm not good at it so I'm a terrible person and no one will ever like me."

That is just hurtful and a little sad.

I know that it's not really as easy as that because I have problems with comparing myself to others, just like I'm sure everyone else does, but I think that so many self-esteem problems could be solved with giving ourselves criticism that is more constructive than simply just negative and comparative.

And then we can all be best friend with ourselves.


26 August 2010

Take a walk on the wild side

Okay, there isn't really any reason for today's post, except that I was hanging out with my friend yesterday, talking about boys, sex, and life, and she showed me this video on youtube of something BBC is doing.
I thought it was so so funny so I just really wanted to put it here.

25 August 2010

Last Days

I keep thinking back to the last couple days before I moved.

I wanted him to come over, and to have sex again and fool around before I left. He told me he was going to come. And then he didn't. I was very sad. But I wasn't sad about him. I told him that I was mad towards him, which was true because I really wanted to see him. But I wasn't sad towards him and all of my anger wasn't addressed towards him.

I have this very big and overwhelming fear of being alone. Like, forever. And it just kind of hit me very strongly when he didn't come over. I just kept thinking that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Alone for the rest of my damn life. I was so frustrated. Mostly because the fear of being alone was sweeping over me but also because nothing ever works out. I should just not ever plan anything because it doesn't work out.

Then I cried until I made myself nauseous and had to calm myself down.
Which wasn't easy because I just wanted to cry, and cry, and cry...
And then I got to drive around with my family, being trapped in a car for three days with them, thinking about how I didn't get to have sex before I left and how I was going to be alone forever. I know that it's pathetic and people tell me that I shouldn't think like that, but I just can't turn it off.
I know that this sounds very dramatic, but in 10 years I'd rather be dead than alone. I know I shouldn't talk like that, but it's how I feel, and I don't really know how to change that.

I probably sound like a psychopath to anyone who would happen to read this, but I'm not, at least I don't think I am. I guess I technically could be and just not realize it.
I just have a really big intense fear of ending up alone and sometimes it just feels uncontrollable.

Anyway, here's a song I really enjoy.

20 August 2010

"You might have your flaws, but at least you're wearing pants."

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
Robert Frost

Can I just say that this pertains perfectly to me? I mean, it just sums up all that I have ever felt towards the men that I've been with.
I really don't have good taste in men. There has only been two, and I don't really think I had the best judgment.

The first guy, well we were both younger, barely adults. We had a little bit of a past beforehand anyway, and then we fooled around. We didn't have sex, but it was the first time I had ever done anything with anyone. He was not very mature about it. He wasn't patient and he didn't really help, all he would say is when I did something he didn't like. At the time I thought I loved him. We almost had sex. I wanted to and when we went to try, I chickened out. I was scared and nervous and not really sure whether I would regret him being my first because of the way he treated me.
He didn't understand my way of thinking and got very upset, but I was kinda used to it. He never treated me very kindly or with much respect. He broke my heart, and I haven't been able to trust anyone.

The second guy, the last one, probably wasn't the best choice. He is 10 years older than me, divorced, and has a young child. That doesn't really bother me at all, but the part that would get me in the most trouble is that he is my older brother's best friend. I mean, I've known this guy since I was about 5 years old. For a long time, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I would just leave whenever he came around because I couldn't take being around him. But we started talking as friends. And the more I talked to him, the more I realized that deep down, he really is a good guy. It may be pretty deep, but it's in there somewhere.
We started fooling around a couple months later, and it was nice because he was nice. He actually treated me with respect. I mean, there is nothing emotional like "being in love" between us, we're just friends. And a month or so later, we had sex. He was patient, and gentle, and so respectful towards me, and it made me feel cared about.
I don't regret it like I probably should. I think he was a good choice because he isn't going to hurt me. For one, I don't really have enough of an emotional investment in him for him to break my heart or whatever. For two, he's mature enough that he's not gonna fuck around with how I feel and play games. He's an actual grown ass man who respects me and isn't gonna do stuff just to hurt me.

Anyway, after that long ass rambling, I'll get to what I was getting to in the first place. My actions with both of them were just my way of trying to get attention and feel desired. It made me feel like a girl to have a guy want to have sex with me and all that. It was like things and feelings in me that I didn't know about before were awakened by guys being attracted and interested in me, even if it was just physical lust.
Like I said before, I didn't love the first guy, even though at the time I thought I did. I was just saying I love you to someone because I wanted to hear someone say it to me. I wanted to feel desired and attractive, even though I knew that was a really foolish way to achieve that (it was foolish to put up with and tolerate someone treating me like shit and being emotionally abusive).

And with what I've seen in the world, I'm not sure that I will ever find love, unless it is just "the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
My parents' marriage is absolutely terrifying for me to think of modeling a marriage of my own after it. My brother is divorced, and his next girlfriend/fiancee was a kleptomaniac heroine addict. My dad's dad and mother had a very sad marriage and he wasn't a very good man. My mom's dad cheated on his wife. And I actually had to make myself stop watching Jerry Springer because it took my hope away almost completely.

How can someone ever trust anyone else enough to be willing to spend the rest of their life with them? I know that my lack of trust stems from a lot of personal issues, but I still think that it is just a huge commitment and a scary thought to trust someone that much. What if they hurt you? What if they use your trust in them against you?

It is for these feelings that I've known from a fairly young age that I am most likely going to spend my days on this earth completely and utterly alone.