28 August 2010


I've heard a quote that says in our lives we either become our own best friends or worst enemies.

I just wonder what decides which one you become.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were talking about how girls, especially, compare themselves to other girls. Often in a really harsh way.

But it really isn't fair to compare yourself to anyone else, because a lot of times you end up comparing all of your own flaws to all of their strengths.

You often can't see someone else's flaws. But you see all of yours and probably know every bad or imperfect thing you've ever done. But you don't get that with anyone else.

And more often than not, we have a hard time seeing our strengths. Even when other people tell us what our strengths are, we don't believe them. I think it stems from not wanting to seem self-absorbed or snooty, or maybe low self-esteem in some instances.

I think that it should be just fine to know our strengths and talents and to feel good about ourselves.

I had a friend once tell me:
" I can say that I'm a good singer, and that's fine. I am a good singer. But if I were to go around and say that I'm a better singer than everyone else, that would be a problem."

And I agree. It's fine to say that you're good at something. But not fine to say that no one else is anywhere near as good as you are at that something.

I just think that people should stop comparing themselves to others, because it really doesn't help us when we do it and end up hurting ourselves.

But I do think that comparing ourselves to others in a constructive way, that makes us a better person, is okay.


-"Oh, Ashley is so nice. It makes me want to be nicer."

-"Maria works so hard to keep the apartment clean. I should be neater and clean up after myself better."

-"Susan volunteers at the food bank every Friday. I should get more involved in helping the community."

See? You can compare yourself to others and it actually help you. That's what I think people should do, rather than just say "Oh, well, they do this and I'm not good at it so I'm a terrible person and no one will ever like me."

That is just hurtful and a little sad.

I know that it's not really as easy as that because I have problems with comparing myself to others, just like I'm sure everyone else does, but I think that so many self-esteem problems could be solved with giving ourselves criticism that is more constructive than simply just negative and comparative.

And then we can all be best friend with ourselves.


26 August 2010

Take a walk on the wild side

Okay, there isn't really any reason for today's post, except that I was hanging out with my friend yesterday, talking about boys, sex, and life, and she showed me this video on youtube of something BBC is doing.
I thought it was so so funny so I just really wanted to put it here.

25 August 2010

Last Days

I keep thinking back to the last couple days before I moved.

I wanted him to come over, and to have sex again and fool around before I left. He told me he was going to come. And then he didn't. I was very sad. But I wasn't sad about him. I told him that I was mad towards him, which was true because I really wanted to see him. But I wasn't sad towards him and all of my anger wasn't addressed towards him.

I have this very big and overwhelming fear of being alone. Like, forever. And it just kind of hit me very strongly when he didn't come over. I just kept thinking that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Alone for the rest of my damn life. I was so frustrated. Mostly because the fear of being alone was sweeping over me but also because nothing ever works out. I should just not ever plan anything because it doesn't work out.

Then I cried until I made myself nauseous and had to calm myself down.
Which wasn't easy because I just wanted to cry, and cry, and cry...
And then I got to drive around with my family, being trapped in a car for three days with them, thinking about how I didn't get to have sex before I left and how I was going to be alone forever. I know that it's pathetic and people tell me that I shouldn't think like that, but I just can't turn it off.
I know that this sounds very dramatic, but in 10 years I'd rather be dead than alone. I know I shouldn't talk like that, but it's how I feel, and I don't really know how to change that.

I probably sound like a psychopath to anyone who would happen to read this, but I'm not, at least I don't think I am. I guess I technically could be and just not realize it.
I just have a really big intense fear of ending up alone and sometimes it just feels uncontrollable.

Anyway, here's a song I really enjoy.

20 August 2010

"You might have your flaws, but at least you're wearing pants."

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
Robert Frost

Can I just say that this pertains perfectly to me? I mean, it just sums up all that I have ever felt towards the men that I've been with.
I really don't have good taste in men. There has only been two, and I don't really think I had the best judgment.

The first guy, well we were both younger, barely adults. We had a little bit of a past beforehand anyway, and then we fooled around. We didn't have sex, but it was the first time I had ever done anything with anyone. He was not very mature about it. He wasn't patient and he didn't really help, all he would say is when I did something he didn't like. At the time I thought I loved him. We almost had sex. I wanted to and when we went to try, I chickened out. I was scared and nervous and not really sure whether I would regret him being my first because of the way he treated me.
He didn't understand my way of thinking and got very upset, but I was kinda used to it. He never treated me very kindly or with much respect. He broke my heart, and I haven't been able to trust anyone.

The second guy, the last one, probably wasn't the best choice. He is 10 years older than me, divorced, and has a young child. That doesn't really bother me at all, but the part that would get me in the most trouble is that he is my older brother's best friend. I mean, I've known this guy since I was about 5 years old. For a long time, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I would just leave whenever he came around because I couldn't take being around him. But we started talking as friends. And the more I talked to him, the more I realized that deep down, he really is a good guy. It may be pretty deep, but it's in there somewhere.
We started fooling around a couple months later, and it was nice because he was nice. He actually treated me with respect. I mean, there is nothing emotional like "being in love" between us, we're just friends. And a month or so later, we had sex. He was patient, and gentle, and so respectful towards me, and it made me feel cared about.
I don't regret it like I probably should. I think he was a good choice because he isn't going to hurt me. For one, I don't really have enough of an emotional investment in him for him to break my heart or whatever. For two, he's mature enough that he's not gonna fuck around with how I feel and play games. He's an actual grown ass man who respects me and isn't gonna do stuff just to hurt me.

Anyway, after that long ass rambling, I'll get to what I was getting to in the first place. My actions with both of them were just my way of trying to get attention and feel desired. It made me feel like a girl to have a guy want to have sex with me and all that. It was like things and feelings in me that I didn't know about before were awakened by guys being attracted and interested in me, even if it was just physical lust.
Like I said before, I didn't love the first guy, even though at the time I thought I did. I was just saying I love you to someone because I wanted to hear someone say it to me. I wanted to feel desired and attractive, even though I knew that was a really foolish way to achieve that (it was foolish to put up with and tolerate someone treating me like shit and being emotionally abusive).

And with what I've seen in the world, I'm not sure that I will ever find love, unless it is just "the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
My parents' marriage is absolutely terrifying for me to think of modeling a marriage of my own after it. My brother is divorced, and his next girlfriend/fiancee was a kleptomaniac heroine addict. My dad's dad and mother had a very sad marriage and he wasn't a very good man. My mom's dad cheated on his wife. And I actually had to make myself stop watching Jerry Springer because it took my hope away almost completely.

How can someone ever trust anyone else enough to be willing to spend the rest of their life with them? I know that my lack of trust stems from a lot of personal issues, but I still think that it is just a huge commitment and a scary thought to trust someone that much. What if they hurt you? What if they use your trust in them against you?

It is for these feelings that I've known from a fairly young age that I am most likely going to spend my days on this earth completely and utterly alone.


So, let's just say, that I am a normal young woman, who like everyone else is just looking for a place in this world, and trying to not go completely insane while finding herself in the process. I'm not going to promise that I'm normal but we can pretend :)

I really do very stupid things. I know everyone does, but I feel like I do them more than other people. Probably because I know all my mistakes and very few of anyone else's. But I do such silly, stupid things. Like move back and forth between two states on opposite sides of the country simply because I get too comfortable, and also because I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I don't ever do anything right. Like, I know what to do, but I sabotage myself somehow every time. It's absolutely ridiculous. And my plans never ever work out. If I plan it, it's guaranteed to fail.

Like I was going to finish college in four years and then get a good job somewhere. Yeah, definitely not happening. I'm not even technically a student there right now because I can't register for classes due to the large sum of money I owe them. So now I don't really know what I'm gonna do. At least, I don't know what I'll do until I can get my debt paid off.

And I owe credit card people, and student loan people, and gold's gym because they're assholes, and I've gotta find job in like the next few days so I can get paid in time to pay next month's rent.

You know, life is stressful right now. And I don't even have to pay much as far as bills and all that go. My parents bought my car for me, and they are paying for my phone bill. And all my insurance(s). Right now I have it relatively easy as far as bills go, and yet I am still so damn poor haha.

Well, I'm not trying to make this an angry blog, because I don't like angry things, but it seems like most of the feelings I have inside of me are unhappy or angry ones. And this blog is definitely my little secret telling spot of my life, where no one can judge me because either no one will read it or because they don't know me.

I'll just say, on a happy note, that I have the most adorable niece and she has the cutest brother who is such a adorable nephew, and then I have the cutest funniest twin 4 year old nephews. They are so much fun to play with. Unfortunately I am moving across the country so I won't be able to see them for a while.

I don't know when I'm gonna be back home. Fuck, I don't even know that I'll be back in for Christmas. Especially since I don't know who I'll be working for and I don't know that I'll be able to get any time off to fly in. And it costs so much money. I can't say I'd be too terribly upset. Except I'd miss my niece nephews.

Well, as fascinating as I'm sure this post is, I think I have to end it and maybe start working on another one about different stuff. And also apply for jobs online. I hate money, probably because I don't have any of it, haha.

Oh, and here is a man who I think is really really ridiculously good looking.

Peace out. XOXO