01 September 2010


"It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show."

That is a line from Maroon 5's song "Misery."
I think it pretty much describes my life and story with my emotions.

Okay, well I have to start a long, rambling, boring-ass story.

There was a boy. We will call him Frank. He was my first kiss, my first hand-holding, first serious major the-feeling-is-mutual crush. My first phone sex, oral sex, fingering, french kiss. Whatever. I was very emotionally attached. I liked the attention. There was no real love, just a strong emotional attachment. I've know him for about 6 or 7 years counting up to now, even though we are not speaking to each other anymore.

Frank hurt me, emotionally and mentally. Really, really bad.
I don't process my emotions in a normal way. I don't really process them at all.

I was talking to my friend last night. I told her that earlier that day I was on Facebook, and saw a comment Frank had made on a mutual friend's wall. I, being the stupid person I can sometimes be, clicked on the link to his profile. I looked at
pictures of him and his current girlfriend and cried. Profusely.

I cried because I don't understand why I cannot just move on and lead a normal life and not be all emotionally wounded and crazy.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Well, I was talking to my friend, and she said that it was probably because I didn't deal with my feelings about everything that happened and face them. And until I do face them and confront them, I will probably be upset about a lot of things.

I just don't know how to confront my feelings.
I didn't grow up in a very emotionally friendly household. My dad was/is an alcoholic, a very angry and violent alcoholic who breaks and burns things, and yells at every one around him. My mother was/is unhappy about her lot in life, at least it seems so, and she takes out her anger on those around her. I quickly just started shoving my feelings down inside myself.

I honestly don't remember exactly how Frank made me feel. I think I blocked out most things. I remember being very sad and crying way too much. But when it comes down to the fine details, I just can't remember.

So how do I confront something that I cannot remember?

I don't really know. I don't really expect any answers. I just find things confusing.

I am not the type of person who ever really talks about feelings with anyone, because it makes me feel very stupid and dumb.

She suggested I go to a counselor. I don't know. I will see.

On a side note: I had a talk with her and want to do something more just for my own sanity and just to try to help myself.

I am fat. But that is not who I am.
I've failed college courses.
But that doesn't define me.
I don't know what I'm doing.
But that
can change
My father is an alcoholic.
But that does not define me.
I am single.
But that is not who I am.
I am imperfect.
But that is
I am weak.
But that is not who I am.
I am flawed.
But that is not who I am.
I am unhappy. But that is not who I am.

I have made so many mistakes.
But I can learn from them.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

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