20 August 2010

"You might have your flaws, but at least you're wearing pants."

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
Robert Frost

Can I just say that this pertains perfectly to me? I mean, it just sums up all that I have ever felt towards the men that I've been with.
I really don't have good taste in men. There has only been two, and I don't really think I had the best judgment.

The first guy, well we were both younger, barely adults. We had a little bit of a past beforehand anyway, and then we fooled around. We didn't have sex, but it was the first time I had ever done anything with anyone. He was not very mature about it. He wasn't patient and he didn't really help, all he would say is when I did something he didn't like. At the time I thought I loved him. We almost had sex. I wanted to and when we went to try, I chickened out. I was scared and nervous and not really sure whether I would regret him being my first because of the way he treated me.
He didn't understand my way of thinking and got very upset, but I was kinda used to it. He never treated me very kindly or with much respect. He broke my heart, and I haven't been able to trust anyone.

The second guy, the last one, probably wasn't the best choice. He is 10 years older than me, divorced, and has a young child. That doesn't really bother me at all, but the part that would get me in the most trouble is that he is my older brother's best friend. I mean, I've known this guy since I was about 5 years old. For a long time, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I would just leave whenever he came around because I couldn't take being around him. But we started talking as friends. And the more I talked to him, the more I realized that deep down, he really is a good guy. It may be pretty deep, but it's in there somewhere.
We started fooling around a couple months later, and it was nice because he was nice. He actually treated me with respect. I mean, there is nothing emotional like "being in love" between us, we're just friends. And a month or so later, we had sex. He was patient, and gentle, and so respectful towards me, and it made me feel cared about.
I don't regret it like I probably should. I think he was a good choice because he isn't going to hurt me. For one, I don't really have enough of an emotional investment in him for him to break my heart or whatever. For two, he's mature enough that he's not gonna fuck around with how I feel and play games. He's an actual grown ass man who respects me and isn't gonna do stuff just to hurt me.

Anyway, after that long ass rambling, I'll get to what I was getting to in the first place. My actions with both of them were just my way of trying to get attention and feel desired. It made me feel like a girl to have a guy want to have sex with me and all that. It was like things and feelings in me that I didn't know about before were awakened by guys being attracted and interested in me, even if it was just physical lust.
Like I said before, I didn't love the first guy, even though at the time I thought I did. I was just saying I love you to someone because I wanted to hear someone say it to me. I wanted to feel desired and attractive, even though I knew that was a really foolish way to achieve that (it was foolish to put up with and tolerate someone treating me like shit and being emotionally abusive).

And with what I've seen in the world, I'm not sure that I will ever find love, unless it is just "the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
My parents' marriage is absolutely terrifying for me to think of modeling a marriage of my own after it. My brother is divorced, and his next girlfriend/fiancee was a kleptomaniac heroine addict. My dad's dad and mother had a very sad marriage and he wasn't a very good man. My mom's dad cheated on his wife. And I actually had to make myself stop watching Jerry Springer because it took my hope away almost completely.

How can someone ever trust anyone else enough to be willing to spend the rest of their life with them? I know that my lack of trust stems from a lot of personal issues, but I still think that it is just a huge commitment and a scary thought to trust someone that much. What if they hurt you? What if they use your trust in them against you?

It is for these feelings that I've known from a fairly young age that I am most likely going to spend my days on this earth completely and utterly alone.

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