I keep thinking back to the last couple days before I moved.
I wanted him to come over, and to have sex again and fool around before I left. He told me he was going to come. And then he didn't. I was very sad. But I wasn't sad about him. I told him that I was mad towards him, which was true because I really wanted to see him. But I wasn't sad towards him and all of my anger wasn't addressed towards him.
I have this very big and overwhelming fear of being alone. Like, forever. And it just kind of hit me very strongly when he didn't come over. I just kept thinking that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Alone for the rest of my damn life. I was so frustrated. Mostly because the fear of being alone was sweeping over me but also because nothing ever works out. I should just not ever plan anything because it doesn't work out.
Then I cried until I made myself nauseous and had to calm myself down.
Which wasn't easy because I just wanted to cry, and cry, and cry...
And then I got to drive around with my family, being trapped in a car for three days with them, thinking about how I didn't get to have sex before I left and how I was going to be alone forever. I know that it's pathetic and people tell me that I shouldn't think like that, but I just can't turn it off.
I know that this sounds very dramatic, but in 10 years I'd rather be dead than alone. I know I shouldn't talk like that, but it's how I feel, and I don't really know how to change that.
I probably sound like a psychopath to anyone who would happen to read this, but I'm not, at least I don't think I am. I guess I technically could be and just not realize it.
I just have a really big intense fear of ending up alone and sometimes it just feels uncontrollable.
Anyway, here's a song I really enjoy.