25 August 2010

Last Days

I keep thinking back to the last couple days before I moved.

I wanted him to come over, and to have sex again and fool around before I left. He told me he was going to come. And then he didn't. I was very sad. But I wasn't sad about him. I told him that I was mad towards him, which was true because I really wanted to see him. But I wasn't sad towards him and all of my anger wasn't addressed towards him.

I have this very big and overwhelming fear of being alone. Like, forever. And it just kind of hit me very strongly when he didn't come over. I just kept thinking that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Alone for the rest of my damn life. I was so frustrated. Mostly because the fear of being alone was sweeping over me but also because nothing ever works out. I should just not ever plan anything because it doesn't work out.

Then I cried until I made myself nauseous and had to calm myself down.
Which wasn't easy because I just wanted to cry, and cry, and cry...
And then I got to drive around with my family, being trapped in a car for three days with them, thinking about how I didn't get to have sex before I left and how I was going to be alone forever. I know that it's pathetic and people tell me that I shouldn't think like that, but I just can't turn it off.
I know that this sounds very dramatic, but in 10 years I'd rather be dead than alone. I know I shouldn't talk like that, but it's how I feel, and I don't really know how to change that.

I probably sound like a psychopath to anyone who would happen to read this, but I'm not, at least I don't think I am. I guess I technically could be and just not realize it.
I just have a really big intense fear of ending up alone and sometimes it just feels uncontrollable.

Anyway, here's a song I really enjoy.

1 comment:

  1. you aren't alone. Nobody likes to be alone. I can promise you that I'd much rather be alive at 30 and single then with the wrong person. With somebody who doesn't keep promises or treat me right.
    I've been where you are and I'm not going to tell you to get over it because I know its not that easy. I will tell you though that while being single isn't always fun...it isn't the end of the world.